DISCLAIMER: I am not half as depressed as this makes me sound. Just keep that in mind.
I've been thinking lately about how I compare to other writers out there. I can't help but feel like I'm somehow different, broken, wrong. I always hear authors talk about how they doubted themselves back when they were writing their first five novels, but learned to get past it for the manuscript's sake. Kinda like a paralyzed dude triumphantly standing up from his wheelchair at the end of an inspirational movie. But then they leave it at that.
Well, I'm sorry to say, I'm not satisfied with that. I feel like I need to know more. I need to know if their pain (wow that's dramatic) is anything like mine, if their doubt is as soul-consuming. Do they struggle to understand their own writing's worth, like me? I'd like to someday see one of the authors I respect write about their issues, to really see if I'm so different and destined for failure.
Who knows if I'll ever get that wish. I guess they have a reputation to maintain, and such things would hurt it. Well, I don't have a reputation, so for what it's worth, here's my little list of things that I struggle with. If anything resonates with you, or you feel the same way, let me know, please.
I have no idea if I can write worth a crap.
When I write, the sentences often make me cringe.
I often hate my own imagination.
There are times when I look back at my day's writing, and feel a pit form in my stomach; I know I'll have to throw it all away.
I don't know who my characters are. I just hope to god someone else will. We talk all the time about building a strong personality with flaws and quirks, but at the end of the day, it means nothing to my brain.
As far as my own plot goes, it's all over my head, no matter how much I outline. I fly by the seat of my pants, praying I'll end up somewhere safe.
The concept of pacing completely eludes me.
I have no idea if my book is even the slightest bit original.
I don't know if my potential readers will get even the smallest bit of excitement from my action scenes.
When I try to write emotions, I feel they come off as corny and contrived.
When I post about writing, I feel like everyone is laughing at me. "Look at that idiot, he thinks he's an author!"
I don't know a damn about making people laugh.
I will never be a part of the "published author" community.
I don't have what it takes to get an agent or editor to like my books.
No one will ever want to read what I write.
Only spambots visit my blog.
When I look at all the people around me selling books, I know I'll never be as good as them. There are thousands of people writing, right now. I have no chance.
I'm wasting my life, doing this whole writing thing.
Everyone will lie to me when they read my book, tell me it's good. They most likely never read all the way through it.
I often feel like my family, of all people, care less than the strangers.
It's easy to end this by telling all of you to not let these things get you down. To keep going, and all that. I wish I could tell myself the same, and believe it. I won't stop writing any time soon, but I shudder to think that it will always be this way. Am I ready for a life of uncertainty?